Hope you are safe!!

 

Having waited for more than an hour in a clinic I dozed off on the visitor’s chair. My super electric youthful ringtone might have been incongruous in a dull hospital setup and irritated the elderly.

“Hello, please answer your phone” said the uncle sat next to me with a grim facemask, waking me up.

My phone displayed an incoming from an old friend “hey buddy, don’t tell me you just became a dad for the third time” answered the unmarried me. “Ha ha, I agree the lockdown has given us more time but that doesn’t mean I will end up spending all of it with my wife” the voice replied.

After a friendly banter he enquired about my whereabouts. “Appa’s first dose vaccination is scheduled today so I accompanied him to a government hospital. So worried about getting this done as early as possible on hearing the second wave” I said, “where are you by the way?”

“I am right now in the safest place on earth where no amount of waves can ever dare reach” he said.

“I know you get a special treatment from your in-laws for giving 2 babies in 2 years but that doesn’t make it the safest”

“No macha, I am on a sabbatical; resigned my job and joined something very important” he said. I chided away my first thought that my dear friend might be volunteering an NGO working on last mile vaccination, because I know him very well.

“What on earth made you resign? Where did you join and what are you doing?” I enquired with a bit of concern.

“No problem macha, I am earning a little here and also doing a great work for the nation” he said.

“Dude, you tell me first or otherwise I will find you and put corona in you”

“You put me in a difficult situation all the time. Ok now listen, what I am about to tell you is the biggest secret of my life. I tell you this because I trust you” he continued “I got myself enrolled for the clinical trial of a most potent cure for COVID”.

“Clinical trial? You idiot! did you read all the terms and conditions? Check the company credentials? Who the hell recruited you?” I asked him.

“Don’t worry man, this trial has a backing and recognition from the most prestigious institute in the country and highly placed sources in the government are also a part of it” he answered with a soft tone.

“So, you say that you are a part of this covert clinical trial being conducted in the most secretive place on Earth?” I asked.

“Yes”

“What is it that they are doing with you?” I asked with a tinge of curiosity.

“I told you this is a secret and I could be in trouble for telling you this. But see there is nothing that secretive as well. The study focuses on determining if the chanting of Gayathi Mantra and performing pranayama under a controlled setup can cure COVID”.

At this time, my brain was still trying to process the information but I continued to enquire more hoping on finding answers to some of my thoughts. “What and where is this controlled setup?”

 

“See, I cannot tell you the location but the procedure is something that is well known to every Indian. Firstly, once you are enrolled you will be taken to this isolated and controlled setup midst the great Indian cows. This is a controlled setup built with the greatest knowledge our Vedas possess. There are multiple sections and each section is an open place with 40-50 cows surrounded by 7 feet thick walls built with stone; layered with cow dung. Not just any cow dung but it is mixed with traces of those houses which were unaffected during the Bhopal gas tragedy due to the anti-radioactive nature of the cow dung coated on their walls. These houses were identified in a secret operation conducted by the Rashtriya Kamdhenu Aayogya. These houses were then demolished and debris collected for research” he continued “all the knowledge unearthed in this operation has been made public with a 54-page syllabus for the National cow science exam”.

Now, I asked my brain to stop processing as I wanted to feed it with all the data for a one-time processing. So, I asked “and what do they even administer you in this trial? What is the routine like?”.

“I know you would be interested, now listen. Early in the morning once you wake up you need to chant Gayatri Mantra using a rosary for 108 times, then you will start your day with a tooth polish made from the dried cow dung; this is a part of the truth unearthed and endorsed in the syllabus. But you always have a choice to take the fresh dung every morning if you are comfortable, for a refreshing start. You must not miss the yoga practice taught amidst the mooing cows that take you in to a trance and give you a divine pleasure. Your entire day meals are carefully designed with a balanced diet of PanchGavya- Cow milk, curd, ghee, urine and dung. Mind it not any cow but Indian and not your Jersey or Manchester united varieties. During night, you are made to sleep on the cow with your head touching the hump of the cow. Do you know why?”

“Not a single idea”

“I know, Indian breeds have Suryakethu Naadi in their humps which absorb vitamin D directly from sun in the morning. Sleeping with your forehead touching it all night will transfer all the Vitamin D directly via Naadi to naadi transfer technology inherently present in cows”.

“Let me guess, this knowledge was also part of the discovered secrets”

“Absolutely! I know you want to be part of this group but hard luck mate there are 5 Lakh people already registered for this trial and all of them are mandated to pass the cow science exam which is equally covertly conducted. But do not worry, I know some highly placed resources here who would put you in this part of the group with cows rather than the placebo group if you make it up to here. All you need to do is pass the cow science exam for which you will find the syllabus online with all the hidden secrets in it. Let me test your knowledge with a simple question first”.

“Yes, please go ahead and ask”

“What causes earthquake?”

“Tectonic plates!”

“That’s where you are fooled. It is because of the Einstein Pain waves”.

“Einstein what?”

“Einstein Pain waves, these waves are emanated from dying cows. Cow slaughter collectively over a period of time accumulates the pain waves and causes earthquakes”.

“one question buddy, why does it have to be secretive when you think it has got so much potential for a cure?” I asked.

“Think macha think. Imagine what happens when the world gets to know that we have the cure in cow. Imagine the demand we will have for our cows and they will rob us of our national treasure".

"Yes, there is also 98.72% chance of Nicolas cage making a movie on it titled “National treasure 3” I added.

"Don't talk non sense macha, there are opportunists everywhere who will take the cows for treatments like cancer. There will be no divinity in their treatment of our cows, our cows have traces of gold in the milk. Knowing this, don’t you think they will try to extract gold from it? Also, the potential of cows in controlling global warming and thereby achieving the sustainable developmental goals is a looming threat for our breed” he said with a deep concern.

“You are indeed making the nation proud buddy” I said in a seemingly appreciative tone.

“After this trial, imagine the national pride when the world acknowledges that India has brought a cure from animals when the Chinese brought disease. I also love the fact that you are made to eat, work and sleep with the cows for a full transfer of that holiness and mystical power. Ok, buddy time for my evening pranayama, you have a great day” ended my dear friend.

Now there it began, processing this data, for which my brain alerted of a TROJAN/VIRUS; not the corona, I guess.

 

 

 Pic credit: Freepik.com