Having waited for more than an hour in a clinic
I dozed off on the visitor’s chair. My super electric youthful ringtone might
have been incongruous in a dull hospital setup and irritated the elderly.
“Hello, please answer your phone” said the uncle
sat next to me with a grim facemask, waking me up.
My phone displayed an incoming from an old
friend “hey buddy, don’t tell me you just became a dad for the third time” answered
the unmarried me. “Ha ha, I agree the lockdown has given us more time but that
doesn’t mean I will end up spending all of it with my wife” the voice replied.
After a friendly banter he enquired about my
whereabouts. “Appa’s first dose vaccination is scheduled today so I accompanied
him to a government hospital. So worried about getting this done as early as
possible on hearing the second wave” I said, “where are you by the way?”
“I am right now in the safest place on earth
where no amount of waves can ever dare reach” he said.
“I know you get a special treatment from your
in-laws for giving 2 babies in 2 years but that doesn’t make it the safest”
“No macha, I am on a sabbatical; resigned my
job and joined something very important” he said. I chided away my first thought
that my dear friend might be volunteering an NGO working on last mile
vaccination, because I know him very well.
“What on earth made you resign? Where did you
join and what are you doing?” I enquired with a bit of concern.
“No problem macha, I am earning a little here
and also doing a great work for the nation” he said.
“Dude, you tell me first or otherwise I will
find you and put corona in you”
“You put me in a difficult situation all the
time. Ok now listen, what I am about to tell you is the biggest secret of my
life. I tell you this because I trust you” he continued “I got myself enrolled for the clinical trial of a most potent cure for COVID”.
“Clinical trial? You idiot! did you read all
the terms and conditions? Check the company credentials? Who the hell recruited
you?” I asked him.
“Don’t worry man, this trial has a backing and
recognition from the most prestigious institute in the country and highly
placed sources in the government are also a part of it” he answered with a soft
tone.
“So, you say that you are a part of this covert
clinical trial being conducted in the most secretive place on Earth?” I asked.
“Yes”
“What is it that they are doing with you?” I asked
with a tinge of curiosity.
“I told you this is a secret and I could be in trouble
for telling you this. But see there is nothing that secretive as well. The study
focuses on determining if the chanting of Gayathi Mantra and performing pranayama
under a controlled setup can cure COVID”.
At this time, my brain was still trying to process
the information but I continued to enquire more hoping on finding answers to
some of my thoughts. “What and where is this controlled setup?”
“See, I cannot tell you the location but the
procedure is something that is well known to every Indian. Firstly, once you
are enrolled you will be taken to this isolated and controlled setup midst the
great Indian cows. This is a controlled setup built with the greatest knowledge
our Vedas possess. There are multiple sections and each section is an open
place with 40-50 cows surrounded by 7 feet thick walls built with stone;
layered with cow dung. Not just any cow dung but it is mixed with traces of those
houses which were unaffected during the Bhopal gas tragedy due to the anti-radioactive
nature of the cow dung coated on their walls. These houses were identified in a
secret operation conducted by the Rashtriya Kamdhenu Aayogya. These houses were then
demolished and debris collected for research” he continued “all the knowledge unearthed
in this operation has been made public with a 54-page syllabus for the National
cow science exam”.
Now, I asked my brain to stop processing as I wanted
to feed it with all the data for a one-time processing. So, I asked “and what do
they even administer you in this trial? What is the routine like?”.
“I know you would be interested, now listen. Early
in the morning once you wake up you need to chant Gayatri Mantra using a rosary
for 108 times, then you will start your day with a tooth polish made from the dried
cow dung; this is a part of the truth unearthed and endorsed in the syllabus. But
you always have a choice to take the fresh dung every morning if you are comfortable,
for a refreshing start. You must not miss the yoga practice taught amidst the mooing
cows that take you in to a trance and give you a divine pleasure. Your entire
day meals are carefully designed with a balanced diet of PanchGavya- Cow milk, curd,
ghee, urine and dung. Mind it not any cow but Indian and not your Jersey or
Manchester united varieties. During night, you are made to sleep on the cow
with your head touching the hump of the cow. Do you know why?”
“Not a single idea”
“I know, Indian breeds have Suryakethu Naadi in their humps which absorb vitamin D directly from sun in the morning. Sleeping with your
forehead touching it all night will transfer all the Vitamin D directly via
Naadi to naadi transfer technology inherently present in cows”.
“Let me guess, this knowledge was also part of
the discovered secrets”
“Absolutely! I know you want to be part of this
group but hard luck mate there are 5 Lakh people already registered for this
trial and all of them are mandated to pass the cow science exam which is equally
covertly conducted. But do not worry, I know some highly placed resources here
who would put you in this part of the group with cows rather than the placebo
group if you make it up to here. All you need to do is pass the cow science exam
for which you will find the syllabus online with all the hidden secrets in it. Let
me test your knowledge with a simple question first”.
“Yes, please go ahead and ask”
“What causes earthquake?”
“Tectonic plates!”
“That’s where you are fooled. It is because of
the Einstein Pain waves”.
“Einstein what?”
“Einstein Pain waves, these waves are emanated
from dying cows. Cow slaughter collectively over a period of time accumulates
the pain waves and causes earthquakes”.
“one question buddy, why does it have to be
secretive when you think it has got so much potential for a cure?” I asked.
“Think macha think. Imagine what happens when the world gets to know that we have the cure in cow. Imagine the demand we will have for our cows and they will rob us of our national treasure".
"Yes, there is also 98.72% chance of Nicolas cage making a movie on it titled “National treasure 3” I added.
"Don't talk non sense macha, there are
opportunists everywhere who will take the cows for treatments like cancer. There
will be no divinity in their treatment of our cows, our cows have traces of
gold in the milk. Knowing this, don’t you think they will try to extract gold
from it? Also, the potential of cows in controlling global warming and thereby achieving
the sustainable developmental goals is a looming threat for our breed” he said with a deep concern.
“You are indeed making the nation proud buddy” I
said in a seemingly appreciative tone.
“After this trial, imagine the national pride when
the world acknowledges that India has brought a cure from animals when the Chinese brought
disease. I also love the fact that you are made to eat, work and sleep with the
cows for a full transfer of that holiness and mystical power. Ok, buddy time
for my evening pranayama, you have a great day” ended my dear friend.
Now there it began, processing this data, for
which my brain alerted of a TROJAN/VIRUS; not the corona, I guess.
